"Stop Dawdling" - Moving the Plot Along

 "Bloody late! Dicky's late again!"

This is a key memory of my childhood. I am very happy to report that my childhood was mostly pleasant and comfortable and most of the arguments with my parents were of my own making, but there are certainly some particular points which have stuck with me and informed my processes and outlook. Most of the negative experiences with my parents were to do with their respective illnesses and early deaths (at my age of 24), which shaped my approach to marriage and parenthood in a less-than-helpful fashion.

My dad was habitually late and would stamp along the corridor outside my room chastising himself as he dug through the airing cupboard for clean pants and socks, all of which I could hear from my room where I was ready to go to whatever family or social events I was being dragged along to. As all parents are wont to do, he did his best to prevent his failings manifesting in me, which has led to me being desperate to be on time for all things everywhere and feeling very annoyed when I am late.

My father and I both suffered from chronic procrastination, which the kids nowadays would term as "executive dysfunction" - possibly to do with my still-not-formally-diagnosed autistic spectrum disorder that I swear I'll get around to sorting soon. As a sidebar - my father had a child psychologist friend who, when I was struggling in school, pocket-diagnosed me with Asperger's and hypomania, and perhaps a dash of ADHD, but told my father in no uncertain terms that were I to receive a formal diagnosis I "would never have a real job". It was therefore ironed out of me at public school, i.e. I was taught to mask sufficiently well to operate in the world of sociopaths and narcissists that is the world of business and politics, which we were all expected to go into. Oh look, I'm procrastinating with the tale.

So - whenever my father noticed I had stopped to smell the roses, become interested with something off-topic, or otherwise lost focus on what we were supposed to be doing, he would tell me in no uncertain terms to "stop dawdling" and come along quickly. This has stayed with me, and whenever I also take a break from the tasks I've listed in my head for the day, I feel that I'm avoiding responsibility, giving myself too much time off, or just generally "dawdling".

Dawdle: waste time, be slow; move slowly and idly in a particular direction.

- Oxford English Dictionary

In recent years I have felt like I have been dawdling in my magical path. For reasons discussed previously, I was obscured from the occult community and could not participate in it very much, and certainly felt as though any attempts to put my head over the parapet would be met with sniping anyway (as detailed in Loki's Gazette). So I have trudged along, keeping to my daily practice when I can, offering Thelemic group rituals because I felt called to, and running Star Club because I could not do otherwise. Believe me, I've tried to give up magick but it hasn't stuck.

Back when things went really south for me in 2018, when I had not only lost the fellowship of the occult community, but my marriage had finally keeled over, the almost-relationship I had in its stead was terrible, and my job had gone wrong, I visited a magical friend in Devon. I walked in expecting to have a jolly nice time and catch-up chat, but instead another friend (who works in the mental health profession) was there with a full pot of tea at the ready, and a magical intervention was to be held. My two friends talked through these extreme sea-changes in my life and I discussed absolutely everything, identifying where I had utterly fucked up each part in turn, and as always the common problem was - me. 

My host eventually turned to me and asked, "So - do you think magick is bollocks yet?" and I was astonished to find that the answer to the question was a resounding "no". I was at his house because I had booked to do so weeks before I had to take a break from work, and then the next day I was due to visit another friend and magical colleague who remains incredibly close and important to me to this day; later that week I was hopping on a plane to Sweden to visit OTO brethren for a mini spooky Samhain holiday. How could I then say that magick was bollocks, when I had pre-arranged exactly the kind of mental health break from my life that was necessary to deal with the situation I found myself in?

That lesson has stayed with me, and so even through the trials and tribulations of the last five years, I have adhered to the path, followed the magick, and tried to comprehend all events as a direct dealing of God with my soul. My subsequent breakdown and the therapy I went through to rebuild myself was centred on this realisation, that like it or not, magick was not bollocks and I was beholden to my pacts with the Universe. Being in the wilderness has given me ample time to dawdle, but much like exercise, we must either be moving or dead. Now I am back in the occult world, it's time to move the plot along.

Here, then, follows a list of my current projects and commitments, which I post here to keep me honest. When you see me out at occult events - and you will, now - ask me about them and what I've done in the last week to make them manifest; and if I say "not much" then you may accurately accuse me of dawdling.

• Teaching Star Club:
• Updating the workbooks so that they reach the new Cycle-members in good time;
• Adding material to the Members' area so the Individual Course follows the in-person group;
• Writing blog posts regularly and keeping the website up together.

• Creating a permanent space for the magical community in South Gloucestershire:
• Setting up a charity and CIC;
• Building links with groups that might want to use it for retreats and conferences;
• Applying for feasibility studies and then capital grants. 

• Working with OTO in Bristol, which I have recently rejoined:
• Helping to facilitate public Gnostic Masses;
• Helping to facilitate private workshops on the Mass and initiations;
• Helping to facilitate initiations.

• Writing bloody books:
• One on the process of creating Star Club followed by the material itself;
• One on the Path of the Rose, my visual pathworkings through the Grimoire of Armadel;
• One on the Neuro-Gnostic Model, my overall conception of how magick works in case anyone wants to read it.

• Finally getting myself a degree.

• Progressing with the Oath of the Abyss under A∴A∴ - which I have taken to mean doing all of the above.

Just a few things to keep me out of trouble, then. Not including maintaining good relationships in my love life, and working out (which I have successfully procrastinated about long enough to write this post).

Thank you for reading my meandering thoughts on my magical impetus. My sense of urgency is innate and sometimes problematic, but I wanted to discuss this drive to constantly create and facilitate. One of the kindest things Dr Bob Plimer said when he visited this weekend was that I always put everything into projects I run, and that he had seen this back when I ran my final Occult Conference in 2018. 

I finally feel like I've stopped dawdling, so it's time to move the plot along.